Fifty Shades of CRAP: a review for Fifty Shades of Grey

Selling around 10 million copies worldwide and even surpassing the Harry Potter series’ record of the fastest-selling paperback, this novel dubbed as “mommy-porn” is not only terribly written, but a horrible example of a romantic relationship.

Forgive me if I reveal any spoilers in this post.  But seeing that the book is so bad, I don’t think it will make much of a difference. Personally, I am not one to read erotic novels, but seeing the reactions to this novel on Tumblr, I decided to download a PDF copy to give it a try.

To bring you up to speed, this book was based off a Twilight fanfiction.  It surrounds a recent college graduate Anastasia Steele, who is 21.  Never in her life has she been in a relationship or had the desire to hold someone’s hand (I’m sorry, but to me that just sounds unrealistic).

That is, until she meets Christian Grey, a billionaire (he’s a CEO who works at a job that isn’t revealed to the readers) who seems to have some God-like sexual gift that makes Anastasia melt to her knees. Manipulative and controlling, Christian wants Ana to be his submissive in a BDSM relationship. He requires her to sign a contract, but upon learning that Ana is a virgin, Christian decides to have sex with her to prepare her for later encounters.  And seeing that this is practically the summary of the novel, there is unfortunately two more books in the series surrounding Ana’s wish to have something more with Christian and learning about the troubled and damaged past of her partner.

The first reason I have so many problems with this book is the poor writing. Upon reading the first page, I already spotted five grammatical errors.  Add that in with a weak beginning to the book (Ana complains about her incompetent hair, guys!!), this novel is sprinkled with random adjectives and sentences that don’t make any sense.

Example 1: When Ana describes her blushing.

“I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.” 

I’m sorry, but what is that supposed to mean? If you meant to describe your cheeks as turning red, you could have used an apple, roses, blood, cherries, or anything else that happens to be red.

Example 2: When Ana describes Christian’s voice.

“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.”

Uhm…would you like another noun with those adjectives?  And let’s not even get to the “…or something” part.  That is just not needed. Is this book even edited? Because to me, it doesn’t look like it at all.

And apart from the bad grammar and writing skills, this book is also terrible example of a romantic relationship. It’s abusive, controlling and just plain toxic.  I don’t find anything attractive or sexy about any of these characters. First of all, Ana is so naive to the point that it’s unrealistic.

She is also just plain dumb or really sheltered from the world.    She barely has any plans after graduating with an English degree (she’s just going to  move to Seattle with Kate and hope for something to come up), but she also doesn’t have any common sense. Everything Christian does makes her so turned on. She doesn’t care if he tracks her phone (an obvious cue that he is bad news), takes her to his hotel room where she wakes up pants-less or calls her “Miss Steele” all the time even though they’ve already known each other for a while.  And can I mention that she didn’t know that she could dream about sex?!  And the fact that when Christian presented her with a contract that outlined that everything would be in his control, the only things she pretty much cared about was her clothing and exercise routine?  WOMAN!  He’s basically telling you to sign a contract saying that he can control your whole life!!

And also, I have had it with her inner goddess. Her inner goddess is practically a whole different person.

Honestly, there are so many things wrong here.

And as for Christian Grey, there is nothing remotely sexy or attractive about him.  He calls Ana “Miss Steele” all the time.  Not to mention that he also has some major f–ed up issues from the past that most likely explains his horrifying sexual fantasies. There are already several signs that this man is bad even before Ana decides to sleep with him. He tracks her phone, takes her to his hotel room when she passes out from getting drunk and forces her to eat all the time.  If Ana honestly had any sense in her, she would have been running out the door as soon as she could.

Also, Christian Grey is not romantic at all. In fact, Christian is one misogynistic prick. Saying stuff like, “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele” RIGHT BEFORE Ana’s first time  is not loving it all. It sounds harsh, scary and controlling.

It is actually unbelievable how scared Ana is of Christian. And yet, all she wants to do is please him.  Together, their relationship is just one poisonous and abusive environment.

So to sum it all up, I do not recommend buying this book if you are looking for a good read.  But hey, if you’re a glutton for punishment, just download a PDF copy for yourself.

P.S. Other things to look for when reading:  the number of times Christian cocks his head and the usage of the phrases ,”Holy cow!”, “Oh my”, “Crap!” and “Double crap.”

2 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of CRAP: a review for Fifty Shades of Grey

  1. Reblogged this on 5 Degrees Of Inspiration and commented:
    Bad writing again makes a best seller – has the public become THIS small-minded that they refuse to recognize the importance of grammar and sentence structure in crafting a story? Story is only half the battle, the way you tell it makes all the difference.

  2. it’s rubbish. poorly researched, very badly written, repetitive phrasing, weak characters. Very unrealistic and unbelievable. I couldn’t identify with or feel anything for the characters. it shouldn’t be the success it is. there are far better books of the same genre out there that don’t get anywhere near the recognition that this drivel has.

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