I’ve come to the realization that I’m afraid of failure.
And while I know everyone fears this, the thought of failing is actually very terrifying to me.
I’ve been feeling rather incompetent and pessimistic lately. Everyone I know seems to be doing something amazing with their summer with internships and traveling while I have been stuck at home trying to figure out what my next step is.
For two months, I have been trying to get a G license. But unfortunately for me…I have failed multiple times.
This is a really embarrassing thing for me to reveal out in the public but writing this out is allowing me to come to terms with my actual weaknesses.
I know I can drive and I’ve driven to several places on my own. I think the problem I have goes deeper than my driving ability. I honestly think the issue here is my inability to perform under pressure and my lack of confidence in myself.
I’ve been trying to work on gaining more self-esteem and being less apologetic about myself but no amount of inspirational videos and books seem to be helping as much as I want.
Because every time I turn on the computer or ask someone what they’ve been up to, I can’t help but compare myself to what other people have already achieved.
I know this post sounds like I’m looking for pity but I think what I really need is someone to talk to. And since I’m a bit concerned about annoying people with my problems, writing this out is actually pretty therapeutic.
As I mentioned above, I think the root of my problems starts with my self esteem and how it is easily influenced. I’m not sure if this is a trait of a Capricorn (we’re apparently very stubborn), but my tendency to get jealous easily makes me a super-competitive person because I’m afraid of failure.
Being competitive has worked well for me in some ways. But when I start thinking about failing, I start believing it and perform very badly. And I’m not just talking about my inability to pass a G test. My fears have affected me in many other ways.
Here are just some examples:
Track and Field
In high school, I would try to make OFSAA every year for track and field. My event was undoubtedly the 800m, in which I would usually place in the top 10 for every meet I entered.
Every year, I would come close to making OFSAA with my best times. But thinking about the heavy competition, I would always miss making the provincial meet by one or two spots.
This sucked a lot, but the reason I would fail was because I would start to lose confidence in myself after comparing my seed time with the others’. Why did I have to care so much about what times other people were running? Why couldn’t I just focus on myself?
And because of that, I ran my worst time of the season during the meet that counted the most.
Getting rejected for an internship:
This year, I got interviewed for an internship I had really wanted. But knowing that I was trying to compare myself to other people who were being interviewed as well, I stuttered during the meeting and had so much trouble trying to sell myself as a competent journalist.
Evidently, they didn’t pick me..but that was a huge bummer. It certainly didn’t help that my mother was “trying to give me pointers.” Because while I know she was trying to help, she came off sounding very critical.
These two examples are just some of the ways in which I have let my flaws of jealousy and fear of failure get the best of me.
Why can’t I move on and progress? Why can’t I stop comparing myself to others and just think about the tasks at hand?
I’m sorry if I sound like such a mess but I guess this is what it means to be in my early 20s trying to figure out life.
I know I have a lot of work to do to improve, but I think acknowledging my wrongs is a step towards the right direction.
Now if only I can just stop caring about other people and just focus on me…