A 20s Life Crisis: in which I try to confront a few of my deepest fears

I’ve come to the realization that I’m afraid of failure.

And while I know everyone fears this, the thought of failing  is actually very terrifying to me.

I’ve been feeling rather incompetent and pessimistic lately. Everyone I know seems to be doing something amazing with their summer with internships and traveling while I have been stuck at home trying to figure out what my next step is.

For two months, I have been trying to get a G license. But unfortunately for me…I have failed multiple times.

This is a really embarrassing thing for me to reveal out in the public but writing this out is allowing me to come to terms with my actual weaknesses.

I know I can drive and I’ve driven to several places on my own. I think the problem I have goes deeper than my driving ability. I honestly think the issue here is my inability to perform under pressure and my lack of confidence in myself.

I’ve been trying  to work on gaining more self-esteem and being less apologetic about myself but no amount of inspirational videos and books seem to be helping as much as I want.

Because every time I turn on the computer or ask someone what they’ve been up to, I can’t help but compare myself to what other people have already achieved.

I know this post sounds like I’m looking for pity but I think what I really need is someone to talk to. And since I’m a bit concerned about annoying people with my problems, writing this out is actually pretty therapeutic.

As I mentioned above, I think the root of my problems starts with my self esteem and how it is easily influenced. I’m not sure if this is a trait of a Capricorn (we’re apparently very stubborn), but my tendency to get jealous easily makes me a super-competitive person because I’m afraid of failure.

Being competitive has worked well for me in some ways. But when I start thinking about failing, I start believing it and perform very badly. And I’m not just talking about my inability to pass a G test. My fears have affected me in many other ways.

Here are just some examples: 

Track and Field

In high school, I would try to make OFSAA every year for track and field. My event was undoubtedly the 800m, in which I would usually place in the top 10 for every meet I entered.

Every year, I would come close to making OFSAA with my best times. But thinking about the heavy competition, I would always miss making the provincial meet by one or two spots.

This sucked a lot, but the reason I would fail was because I would start to lose confidence in myself after comparing my seed time with the others’. Why did I have to care so much about what times other people were running? Why couldn’t I just focus on myself?

And because of that, I ran my worst time of the season during the meet that counted the most.

Getting rejected for an internship:

This year, I got interviewed for an internship I had really wanted.  But knowing that I was trying to compare myself to other people who were being interviewed as well, I stuttered during the meeting and had so much trouble trying to sell myself as a competent journalist.

Evidently, they didn’t pick me..but that was a huge bummer. It certainly didn’t help that my mother was “trying to give me pointers.” Because while I know she was trying to help, she came off sounding very critical.

___________________________________

These two examples are just some of the ways in which I have let my flaws of jealousy and fear of failure get the best of me.

Why can’t I move on and progress? Why can’t I stop comparing myself to others and just think about the tasks at hand?

I’m sorry if I sound like such a mess but I guess this is what it means to be in my early 20s  trying to figure out life.

I know I have a lot of work to do to improve, but I think acknowledging my wrongs is a step towards the right direction.

Now if only I can just stop caring about other people and just focus on me…

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One thought on “A 20s Life Crisis: in which I try to confront a few of my deepest fears

  1. Be just a little better than YOU were yesterday and progression will follow. Some people may have a head start, but the person who constantly improves on oneself always improves. Be proud of the past accomplishments YOU achieved and look at the gains you’ve made. The only person you should be compared to is yourself. Jealousy is only a powerful motivator, but will make you a follower, who chases someone else’s goals. Also, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs. there are far more important things than how others see you.

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