When Everybody’s Winning and You’re Still in the Same Place

A part of writing this blog was to maintain an outlet for professionals to see “my personality” through my writing. But like all things journalistic, there have always been limits to what I could and should publish on the internet.

It’s why I haven’t been posting regularly on this blog because I care too much about pleasing people.  In other words, I’ve practically stopped writing for ME.

If I could describe how I truly feel about school, work and writing a countless number of cover letters to only get rejected, it would be “1000 PERCENT DONE.” The year 2013 has not been very kind to me and I am really relieved that there’s only two months left before it becomes 2014.

In a span of a year, I have been rejected for an internship I really wanted, failed a driving test four times (yes, it’s actually very sad), not taken in for a mentorship program I was really banking on, not given the scholarships I have looked at for a while now and simply caring too much about some boy who probably doesn’t give me much thought.

Everyone around me seems to be moving ahead in their lives and I feel as if I am just stuck in one place, my feet super-glued to the ground.  Maybe it’s the grief of the declining job market, the stress of journalism school or just the plain jealousy I feel when I keep comparing myself to other people. Is this what it feels like to be a millennial? Because as entitled as everyone seems to think we are, I am feeling pretty clueless about what I’m supposed to do.

Everyone in my family tells me that things are supposed to happen for a reason. Why all of these disappointments in my life probably means that something better will come up.  Call me impatient, but when will that happen? Because it appears to me, mostly everything seems to be going down the drain.

It probably seems like I’m exaggerating and you’re probably thinking that I have it better than so many other people. But you see, that’s the thing. Even if I do have a life that is filled with support, love and friendship, it doesn’t change the way I’m feeling at the moment.  Don’t get me wrong, I love living life and consider myself a happy person most of the time. But am I not able to wallow in my disappointments for just a little?

I know this phase is going to pass and my disappointments will wane with time. But the truth is, I can’t help but wonder what I’m doing and what my next step is. And while I’m not in a shabby place at this moment, it’s just that nothing FEELS SECURE.  And being the jealous person that I am, it just makes things even worse.

I want to stop caring about what others are doing. I want to stop caring about what others think of me. I want to know that I am just as talented and capable as my friends say I am without thinking that they are just saying it to make me feel better.

I just want to care and believe in me.

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